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‘Hey, Barack. It’s me, your heart. It might be all the White House pickup basketball games or the imminent prospect of nationalizing American health insurance, but I’m feeling better than ever.
“Well, at least since the primaries. Remember those students fainting at your campaign events? They’d stand there for hours to get a glimpse of ‘the one they’d been waiting for.’ Then, BAM! Down they’d go! That was awesome and HILARIOUS!
“Hey, Barack? Are you listening? Hey, hey — I need you to focus. Every time we’re in the Situation Room at one of these Afghan meetings, your head starts to take over entirely. Even though Bob Gates is not that interesting. Yeah, yeah, former head of the CIA and all that. But former president of . . . Texas A&M. Are you kidding me? And look at the guy — he’s a Republican!
“Does he care about the 47 million uninsured? Not the way we do, Barack. And don’t get me started on that nonsense you pulled in your joint address to Congress. You know it’s 47 million, not 30 million. You changed the number just so you wouldn’t be charged with wanting to provide government insurance to so-called illegal aliens. Lot of good that did you with that bastard Wilson, huh?
“Listen. I don’t know how many times I have to say this: Don’t sacrifice your presidency to the Afghan War. Not when we’re about to get health care, cap-and-trade, and who knows what else. You can be FDR for the 21st century, the leader who made America a social democracy. The history books will write about the ‘revolution of 2008.’ Tell me that doesn’t thrill you. But you have to avoid doubling down in a Central Asian war.
“Sure, McChrystal’s impressive. He runs for an hour every morning and eats one meal a day. I respect that. But he wants 40,000 troops and can’t even guarantee victory. ‘Neither success nor failure can be taken for granted.’ Thanks for clearing that up, general.
“He wants you to take a huge risk for an uncertain outcome — and for Hamid Karzai. We know him: He’s like Blagojevich and Rezko rolled into one and set down amid the Hindu Kush. What do you want, Barack? Karzai, or climate-change legislation? Karzai, or a second term? No wonder you can barely contain your anger at the guy — he risks blowing up everything we hold dear.
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