As you know, things got a little fractious here at NRO in the run-up to the election. Levin loathes Frum, and Frum loathes Ponnuru, and Ponnuru loathes Parker, and Parker loathes Goldberg, and Goldberg loathes Derb, and Derb loathes everyone. It isn’t easy keeping a pack of weasels in an online sack 24/7 without them tearing each other’s throats out. The anger-management costs alone are enormous.

So I hope you’ll consider making a donation to NRO. Every dollar helps, particularly now that the election is over and our extreme-right-wing bitterness and hatred is turned inward on ourselves. When I see Rich Lowry, I still feel like punching his lights out for falling for that bailout scam. So he could really use the beefed-up security detail at editorial meetings.

Many analysts say NRO is like Iraq: It’s a quagmire; you can never make it work. Renowned geopolitical strategist Joe Biden has a plan to partition us in three: Derbistan, the Goldberg Triangle, and Krikoriana, the land no one gets into, or out of. But we say no — it’s worth one last shot at stabilization. It’s like duplicitous tribal chiefs in Anbar: You just need a bit of walking-around money and soon everyone’ll be pretending to get along for a few weeks.

But what else do you get in return for tossing a couple of bucks our way? Well, we’ve learned our lesson, and we’re going to be like our leftie brethren and enforce a rigorous ideological orthodoxy. In the year ahead, NRO will be your one-stop shop for a narrow doctrinaire tightly defined brand-new moderate centrist extremist fundamentalist neo-theo paleo-Palin transnational isolationist Beltway-elitist swamp-dwelling country-club oogedy-boogedy RINO-squish redneck girlyboy gun-nut big-tent wide-stance reform conservatism we believe can sweep the nation. And we’ll be hammering out this exciting new platform in real time, right here, around the clock.

And it doesn’t stop there! We’re not just dry policy wonks. We provide witty and amusing pop-culture references, too. Who among us hasn’t chuckled over Jonah’s droll apercus about Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica? You think he really likes that stuff? He goes home every evening and listens to Buxtehude and Purcell. For the last six-and-a-half years, NRO has outsourced all Jonah’s pop-culture allusions to Suresh and Rajiv in Bangalore, who were happy to do it for 38 cents an hour. But they recently retained counsel, and it would be imprudent of us not to plan for an out-of-court settlement.

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